Don’t Know What To Do !!!!!

I am so angry at the moment and this feeling is getting worse each day, what is causing it. It is my darling daughter Pinke who by the way is 4 years old. she is becoming so out of control and I really don’t know what to do about it, I’m at the end of my tether with her.

What is she doing I hear you ask , well where do I start. She punches, kicks and bites, biting seems to be in thing at the moment. I did read somewhere once that biting is a sign of affection in some cultures but believe me this is no affection. She bit her baby brother last night well that was it I saw red, I made her go and sit on the stairs but that doesn’t work she just goes stomping off upstairs and trashes her room.
In fact she has trashed the whole house , emptied all the drawers wardrobes everywhere. It is going to take ages to sort out.

She is just very destructive, breaks everything in sight. These last few months she has broken my all my plant pots smashed them all, destroyed all my dolphin ornaments that I had collected over the years. Ripped photos up, ripped books, destroyed a laptop by completely smashing the screen. Broke loads of toys, even pulled buttons off clothes so they rip and cannot be repaired. So are you getting a picture of what she is like.

Then the worst thing is the swearing just cannot believe she can use words like that. I am sort of getting used to “shut up you lazy git ” being bellowed in the street by her every time she comes home from school. I will not put up with being told to F off or shut the F up. Oh before you all start saying she must have heard it from you, nope she didn’t Mr Savvy or me have never swore in front of the kids. It’s actually our delightful neighbours that swears every other word at the top of her voice my kids have picked it up.

Then there is the violence she hits, kicks and punches, She has drawn blood a few times and has bruised me several times. Just don’t know where all this aggression has come from. I am so scared she will hurt her baby brother , to the extent now I will not leave them alone in the same room. I take the baby with him when I go in different rooms in the house.

Well that’s it, I don’t know how to finish this post off except to say I am open to suggestions of what to do.

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29 responses to “Don’t Know What To Do !!!!!

  1. Sorry I have no suggestions as its not something I have experienced but my heart goes out to you. I do hope that someone can give you truly useful and practical advise. X

  2. Sorry because I’m going to say much the same: my heart goes out to you, your post brought tears to my eyes. I honestly have absolutely no idea but there will be someone out there who does. Stay strong, look after each other, our thoughts are with you.

    • Thank you for reading it and taking the the time to post a comment.

      It breaks my heart to see my little girl like this , thank you very much for your supportive comment it means a lot xx

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  4. Ya, not sure what to suggest… I would venture a guess that even different doctors would have different suggestions. I doubt you’ll find an easy answer.

    Is the violence new? I mean, the ‘worse’ violence? If so, it may have a trigger, something new or different in her life. Could be something like a new or different person, or something subtle like a new food that’s bringing it out.

    My guess would be that if she’s picking up the swearing from a neighbor, she’s also picking up other bad behaviors from others as well.

    Unfortunately, one commonality with Autism is that you can’t simply ask them some questions and figure it out because they just own’t give you any usable answers.

    Best of luck getting through it, just don’t get discouraged. There is a solution, you just have to keep going until you find it.

    • Hi thanks for your comment . Its a great help just getting other peoples’ ideas.

      Yes the violence has got worse in the last 6 months, just never sort of noticed it just seem to creep up on us.

      In 6 months she has started school , had her MMR jab and ever since then she has become like this.

      Pinkie hasn’t been diagnosed autistic just autistic traits with global underdeveloped . Although I have always said she is autistic like her brother.

      Thank you yes its just plodding on find that solution

  5. The closest I can compare this to is when I was a nanny many years ago. I looked after a 3yo and a 8m baby. the 3yo was excellent as long as he got attention but would do things like sit on the baby etc if he was left alone with her. I’m sorry you won’t like my answer. She needs more attention, it’s painful I know and not a natural reaction, but the only way. You need to show her that the right behaviour brings rewards, ie you will spend time reading together or colouring etc. Please don’t take it personally I am a mum now and know how hard it can be especially when you have a small baby. My best piece of advice would be to ask her to suggest something just the two of you can do together maybe when lo is asleep. It’s not a miracle overnight cure but should work if you stick with it.

    From my own perspective the issue nannying was the mother. she was out at work all day then would come home scoop the baby up and go upstairs to get changed. Instantly the 3yo would react. He didn’t understand that the baby wouldn’t be pulling at mummy and talking incessantly, he just thought the baby was getting extra time with mummy and that she didn’t want him. We worked together and changed things round. She came home, went straight up and got changed and then came in to the children. More relaxed and happy to see them still sat at the table eating. She then used lots of encouragement to keep him there and asked about his day.

    Please believe me when I say I am sure you are a great mum. It was only about an hour ago that I shouted at my eldest and then stopped, sat down and gave her a hug. Personally we have decided between us that she will lose a toy every time she shouts and that if she is a good girl so we will go to the park after lunch! good luck, i really feel for you and hope you find something that works for you both

    • Hi thanks for your comment.

      I can see exactly what your saying. You see this is what I don’t understand she does get a lot of 1:1 . Like I go and pick her up from school and we talk about what she has done , who she has played with etc. Then when I have sorted her and her older brother out , got them changed from their uniform etc. She comes and sits on my knee while we watch Pink panther, Tom and Jerry etc.

      Its as if she is a bubble and keeps everything together at school and then as soon as she comes home the bubble bursts. I have a big meeting on Tuesday and I’m going to tell people what she is like and hopefully get a referral to a behaviour clinic.

      I feel its a development thing she is 4 but with the mentality of a 2 year old, so we are going through the terrible 2’s/

      • Ooh, what a tough time you are having. I really feel for you!

        Abi’s comment makes a lot of sense! It’s hard to comment when one doesn’t know your children. But, I don’t think that watching TV counts as one to one time at all.

        A two year old understands the naughty step. You say it doesn’t work because she goes off. But that is universal with all children. Perhaps read up on how to make to work and train your child that way? It does work and is bloody brilliant!

      • Thank you for you comment

        Will definitely look into how to get her to use the naughty step

  6. Hello,
    I was so sorry to read from your post the difficult time that you’ve been going through. I’m not sure if I can offer very much helpful advice I’m afraid but sometimes it can help a little just to know people are thinking of you.
    I have found that sometimes young children don’t always have the ability to express themselves through words, which can be very frustrating for them and lead to destructive behaviour and anger outbursts similar to what you describe with your daughter. Is it possible that she has any concerns about school for example?
    Also some additives/preservatives in food and drinks can be really bad for this sort of thing and having as natural a diet as possible can sometimes help to calm things again. x

    • Thank you for your lovely comment.

      yes it does really help that people are listening to me and are offering their suggestions.

      Yes it could be a simple thing like something at school etc. Its just working through everything and seeing what the trigger is.

      thank you xx

  7. I really feel for you,younger children are so much harder to disipline sometimes.maybe (and I hope) the anger and violence r just a faze that will stop.you are a legend,chin up.

  8. A lot of behaviour difficulties can be due to communication and not having the right meansto express the message more appropriately – could this be true for your daughter? I am a speech and language therapist working with children wig additional needs and I haven’t read the whole of your blog, so don’t want to assume anything, but as you mention your daughter has some global delay and autistic tendencies, have you thought about discussing this with the team that works with your daughter? I am thinking of paediatrician, speech and language therapist and clinical psychologist.

    I’d always recommend in this situation that – if you don’t already – you try some visual techniques to help your daughter understand what to do and what is appropriate (social stories, emotion scales, symbol prompts). Please keep us posted on how things are going.

    • Thank you for your comment. yes she is under a SALT as she has communication difficulties .

      I’m due to have a keyworker’s meeting on Tuesday so hopefully we will be able to address these problems and get referrals that we need to a behaviour clinic etc. I think another appointment with the paediatrician is called for as she has changed so much since seeing her in May.

      I use social stories where ever possible and we used emotions . Although we are still at happy and sad stage no in between .

      thank you I will definitely keep you updated

  9. Hi, you aren’t alone. My children have both been like this at times. Remember it does get better – and then you have other issues to deal with instead!! It may sound like a weird idea, but have you thought if visiting a homeopath? Mine has treated some amazing behavioural problems included nose-picking and violence! Whenever I am stumped by conventional wisdom and treatment, she seems to have an answer in a tiny pilule that the children love to take. Good luck.

  10. Sending all my best.

    I remember this phase very well. It means that her needs aren’t being met and I recommend that you get some psychological assessments and social services imput asap if you haven’t already.

    Take breaks be kind to yourself and know that this gets easier in time.We are all supporting you and it is great that you are getting it into your blog post. best Nik x

    • thank you for your comment. You know I never thought that it could be her needs aren’t being met.

      I assumed it was a phase, I due a keyworkers meeting on tuesday will definitely address these issues with them , hope fully get some help.

      Thank you for the compliment

  11. I’m unsure of what to suggest here as many people have given so many good ideas.

    I hope the Meeting will help, even if it sets the ball rolling, it’ll be a start.
    keep your chin up 😉

  12. I know this may sound a bit corny but you could contact Channel 4 & ask for Supernanny Jo Frost’s help?

    Obviously from what I’ve seen the naughty step is a starting place for misbehaviour?

    I wish you well.

  13. You must be going out of your mind!!

    I think it’s exactly the right thing to talk to your keyworkers. I think it’s important that if something is wrong she is diagnosed and receives the correct support and treatment. Almost as important is that you receive support too.

    There can be so many different reasons for this type of behaviour. And as a reader, not seeing the situation it is very difficult to judge.

    I have four children one of which is a ten year old boy with ADHD. He’s not normally aggressive but last year we went through a terrible period of aggression culminating in him almost strangling a boy at school with a rope. The school were useless, didn’t tell me what was going on. I found out from the mother of the bruised child.

    I took him out of school for just over two weeks and I bought him a punch bag and made him use it every day. I massaged him and played with him, tried to do things that would help him relax. ie fed the ducks, danced together, read him stories on my knee. He had been being bullied at school (because he behaves so differently) and of course we were all going on at him all the time about his behaviour. (He’s always doing crazy things). I think at some point his glass was just full. So I saw the way forward as to try and empty it at least a bit.

    The two weeks really helped. We re-bonded and he has not been any where near so aggressive any more.

    I really wish you well and hope that things will change for you soon.

    Also, have you tried sticker charts? I absolutely love them. My youngest had her first age two and I find it a great way of getting a child to come around to my way of thinking.

    Much luck.

    Pigsdontswim.

    • Hi so pleased you managed to sort out your son, I hate it when school’s don’t help. I had the same problem with my oldest daughter being bullied school did nothing. I ended up changing schools.

      Yes we use sticker charts, got timelines up, use emotions they are useful resources aren’t they.

      Will let you know how we get on tomorrow most probably blog about it to help other parents

      thanks xx

  14. I found the suggestions in this thread to be helpful

    http://www.mothering.com/discussions/showthread.php?t=326920

    Have you sought out professional help and if so what was the outcome?

    • Thank you yes I have asked family support to help and give me ideas. Just waiting to see them due to the bad weather it had to be cancelled

      Thanks so much for the link definitely very helpful xxx

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