Ghosts From The Past

I haven’t really gone into my past as I thought I had left it behind, but for some reason the past seems to be catching up with me. So I think now is the right time to write this post.

First let me tell you a bit about my background for this post to make sense. I am half Sicilian (Italian ) as my mum and her side of the family come from Southern Sicily. When I was 10 years old my mum, dad my younger brother and me all went on holiday to Sicily and the plan was we went to visit my Nana and Grandad whilst we were there. Best laid plans and all that.

My cousin and my Grandad came to pick us up from the hotel, we were approximately 15 minutes from my Nana’s house when we had the accident, a lorry was doing a u-turn in the middle of the motorway and our car hit it. Well my brother who was 3 years old was killed outright so was cousin and Grandad died soon after. I was stuck in hospital for 3 weeks unable to communicate as they couldn’t talk English and i couldn’t talk Italian. I ended up staying in Sicily for a few months till |I recovered as hospitals over there were nothing like they are over here. My dad died of his injuries over there and is now buried with my brother over there.

For some reason the accident and all that happened at that time is coming back to me, even though it was 31 years ago. I’m not sure what is going on why it is on my mind so much or am I going mad. I have a lot on my mind at the minute as every parent does and the kids are in my thoughts. I am so worried about little Gnome, thinking that it was something I have done during my pregnancy that has caused his condition ( still to be diagnosed). For what ever reason I am missing my dad like crazy.

Any idea what’s wrong with me?, why am I feeling this way?


14 responses to “Ghosts From The Past

  1. What an awful time 😦
    Just a thought but did you ever have any therapy at the time or in the years since?

  2. It obviously does matter chick, and isn’t something you’ve dealt with. I’d seriously consider looking into counselling.

  3. Hi there. Sorry to hear you’re having such a hard time just now. I, too, find that when things are stressful otherwise for me, my mind plays cruel, and lets far more memories of intense and traumatic times creep in. I just keep reminding myself that it’ll ease. A good and wise friend told me to try and keep the thoughts/memories/images at a distance by imagining they are playing out on a tv screen, that you can move away from and make smaller & smaller. Take care & all the best xx

  4. How horrible for you and your family, I cannot begin to imagine what you’ve all been through. ((HUG)) Of coarse thoughts return, sometimes when you least expect it, perhaps the recent stress you have endured has triggered this. What I can assure you of though is that Little Gnome’s problems are absolutely nothing to do with anything you may or may not have done during your pregnancy. Trust me every parent of a child with a disability has at some point raised that question, even if only to themselves and as I was bluntly told by J’s paediatrician ‘you are NOT responsible in anyway.’ I hope things get easier for you soon. Fiona xx

  5. Oh my, I hope that you find someone to talk all these feelings and thoughts through with. I can not imagine what pain your family must have gone through. It is terrible to lose a family member, but to lose so many in such a tragedy is terrible.

    I found that when I became a parent, I questioned my childhood a lot.

  6. Sweetheart, I am not an expert by any means but it does sound exactly as Fiona says, that the uncertainty around Little Gnome is the trigger for deeply rooted trauma. My husband went through a similar thing recently. GP is often a great first port of call but please do PM if you feel up to a chat. Big love xxxxx

  7. I think alot of the time we look back at those times as ‘The Moment My Life Changed Forever’ and we yearn to know how life would have been different if the accident hadnt happened.

    Mine was not as serious as yours by any means but when I was 10 I was hit by a car and rather badly hurt. I still look back and think what I could have done differently and would I have been a different person if it hadnt happened.

    So I expect you also would behave that way on a much grander scale.


  8. It’s possibly related to the pre eclampsia, believe it or not. Pre eclampsia can cause neurological problems that are not fully understood, it sounds like you might have post traumatic stress disorder, and the unresolved trauma from the past is coming up again.

    It happened to me as well after my pre eclampsia delivery, about six months or so after Joseph was born and kept getting worse.

    I had counselling, and in my case I had medication for six months, as I was having nightmares and flashbacks.

    I agree with the others, speak to your GP and get some help. And take care of yourself. You are a giver, and if your not careful, you will have nothing left.

    Much love to you

  9. Hey hun really sorry that you had to go through such a terrible time as a child. I agree with what a lot of others have said in their comments.
    1. You are in NO WAY responsible for what may be wrong with Little Gnome. All parents with special needs kids go through the blame game and take on the responsiblity of what is wrong.
    2. During times of stress we do suddenly start to think about the terrible times in our lives and they do play on our minds. I have gone through this many times myself, and it just tugs at yr heart strings.
    3. It is NEVER too late to seek help around your feelings about what happened to your lovely family. Grief can creep up on us when we least expect it, even if we feel we have dealt with it. When u were in hospital as a child you really didn’t have a chance to discuss how u felt because of the communication problems there were. You have so much you need to resolve. You can seek this through yr GP who can put you in contact with a grief counsellor. No one will think u are crazy so don’t be afraid of that. Its never too late to resolve how u are feeling. If u happen to have a children’s disability social worker involved with your family then they can sign post you to appropriate help also.

    I hope I didn’t sound too much like a social worker there lol. When I was going through a very rough time, and thinking about my past a lot I found it helped me by sitting down and writing a letter to those involved in making my past so bad. I didn’t ever post the letter but I was able to put down on paper exactly how I felt and why I felt the way I did. I found this to be great therapy and was able to understand some of what I was feeling. Just an idea. I know it may have to take on a slightly different angle because your loved ones aren’t here but maybe u can write about how u feel about losing them and how it has affected you. Maybe u can say goodbye properly. Just a thought.
    Sending lots of love your way.

  10. Hiya, Sorry that such horrible things happened to you! I cannot imagine what that must have felt like.
    I think when things happen with our children, and being a parent, we try and prevent horrible things that happened to us from happening to them. With Little Gnome being so ill recently and all the hospital experience it probably brought back memories of what it had been like in hospital for you when you were little.
    Writing about it is probably one of the best things you could do. Not necessary for everyone to see but just getting it down will hopefully help you deal with it.
    Take care and as I said, so sorry about your sad experience. 😦

    Andrea x

  11. I am worried hun. I am worried about you. And I don’t usually do alarmist.

    Where’s the YOU time at the moment?

    I ask because 5 yrs ago my worst memory/ event in my life overtook my mind. From being something I just accepted was part of the rich tapestry of life and to live my life… Well I kept picking at it like a scab… It would not lay to rest. At the time I was exhausted physically and mentally due to a medical issue meaning I was yucky tablets that dragged me down.

    Do me a favour Hun. Get on that long waiting list for a therapist. See your Dr. I saw one ( thankfully work sent me to one) and the unburdening and being able to put things back into a better order in my mind made me stronger.


    • As you know I don’t get much me time.

      I am going to doctor’s tomorrow to get my blood pressure checked, will talk to him then.

      Don’t worry about me , I will be fine, just going through a rough patch xx

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